


i'm a mess, you’re a wreck

by winterbreath



Series: all this love [2]
Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/F, it was sadder than i intended it to be?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-18 07:56:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18245648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterbreath/pseuds/winterbreath
Summary: in which Seungwan walks out the door. but it’s Joohyun who always leaves.





	i'm a mess, you’re a wreck

**Author's Note:**

> this is both longer and sadder than i intended it to be, so i'm so sorry? lmao.

/

It’s movie night, their first movie night in a long time, and Joohyun finds it weird that Seungwan isn’t there to fight Sooyoung for that coveted spot by the far end of the couch.

The three other members have already taken their spots—Sooyoung’s sprawled on the couch, her head resting on the arm rest; Seulgi is seated on the floor, a bowl of popcorn at hand, while Yerim is trying to squeeze herself by the solo couch next to the large couch.

Seungwan and Joohyun would always take a seat next to each other on the couch, Sooyoung’s long legs resting on their laps.

Tonight, Seungwan isn’t anywhere to be seen and there’s a strange feeling creeping up Joohyun’s spine as she takes the spot next to Sooyoung who merely looks at her before moving a bit to accommodate her.

“Where’s Seungwan?” she asks, trying to make it sound like it’s not bothering her at all. It was supposed to be movie night, with Seulgi picking the movie they’ll be watching. There should be five of them here.

“She has a date,” Sooyoung responds so casually, letting the _t_ sound of the last word click on her tongue.

Yerim and Seulgi’s attention snap to Sooyoung so fast, Joohyun thinks it might have given them a whiplash.

“What?” Seulgi asks as Yerim mutters, “With who?” almost at the same time.

Joohyun sits there still processing, not really sure how she should feel about it. It’s not that they’re not allowed to date. It’s just that they’re not allowed to get caught.

“I don’t know who it is,” Sooyoung shrugs. She hurls a pillow at Seulgi, “Start the movie, idiot.”

“Okay,” Seulgi nods, giving Sooyoung a look before she grabs the remote of their SmartTV, instantly finding Netflix.

“When did she start talking to this _date_?” Yerim asks inquires.

Sooyoung shrugs again, “I think they met through a friend.”

Seulgi starts playing the movie she picked and that’s the cue for them to stop asking questions.

It’s a rule they have somehow agreed on without talking about it. Nobody is entitled to know about anybody’s personal lives but somehow, Joohyun expected to be kept on the loop. After all, one’s dating scandal affects them all. A heads up would have been nice.

She didn’t realize how stiff she’s gone until she feels her shoulder slack in defeat. She releases a heavy breath she didn’t realize she’s holding.

_So, Seungwan is dating._

She shakes her head at this thought, trying to distract herself from dwelling on it. Through her peripheral, she sees Sooyoung looking at her as if she’s trying to figure her out.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Sooyoung responds, peeling her eyes away from Joohyun and back to the movie they’re watching.

There’s a heavy feeling that settles on Joohyun’s chest.

.

That heavy feeling never really goes away and instead makes a home of Joohyun’s heart.

Some days she thinks it’s not there but she feels it sting every time Seungwan leaves on Thursday nights, and every time she spends Saturday nights someplace else.

Joohyun doesn’t have a name for this feeling. But she knows Seungwan is what causes it.

.

It’s a Friday morning.

Joohyun, fully aware that they all have personal schedules, decides to head to the kitchen to prepare some light meals before everyone gets on their way.

She passes by the living room where Sooyoung and Seungwan already are, lounging on the couch and giggling to themselves. They greet her with quick pleasantries before they turn back to whatever they were looking at on Seungwan’s phone.

Joohyun moves around the kitchen quietly, heart beating against its cage, seeing Seungwan so bright and happy. There’s nothing separating the kitchen and the living room except for the small kitchen bar. So from where Joohyun stands, she can still see her two members giggling at something Joohyun can’t figure out.

“Come on, tell me,” Sooyoung pleads, trying to catch a glimpse of the message displayed on Seungwan’s phone. The shorter girl pulls her phone away from the other girl, clicking a button so it shuts the screen dark.

“There’s nothing to tell,” Seungwan says, a hint of red coloring her cheeks.

“Oh there’s definitely something to tell,” Sooyoung insists laughingly. “I won’t push it for now but I’m glad you’re finally moving on.”

Soon as the words leave Sooyoung’s mouth, Seungwan grabs a pillow and hurls it straight to the other girl’s face, preventing her from saying anything more.

The younger girl merely laughs and mutters a ‘whatever’ before she turns to the TV which Joohyun didn’t even realize has been on all along. Seungwan, on the other hand, is suddenly looking at Joohyun from across the room.

There are questions in her eyes that Joohyun can’t figure out. So she busies herself with the meal instead.

_I’m glad you’re finally moving on._

What does that mean?

.

It happens again the following week but it’s different this time.

Joohyun wakes up in the middle of the night feeling a bit thirsty. So she gets up and walks to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

The house is quiet. So quiet that Joohyun could hear the sound of her own footsteps, padding against the wooden floor. There’s a calmness that comes with it—a calm passiveness that surrounds the house. Maybe this is how hollow emptiness looks like.

Without Yerim and Sooyoung’s constant bickering, or Seulgi’s random dance parties, or the sound of Seungwan’s singing when she thinks no one’s listening in the practice room—home just doesn’t feel like home at all.

Joohyun thinks of ghosts and the way they take up space in abandoned places; when they sit beside loneliness with quiet lingering, hoping for a soul to come in and make sadness their companion. Some days, Joohyun feels like a ghost, existing quietly in her own world; sometimes too lonely to really exist.

As she stands by the kitchen island taking a sip from the glass of water she has on her hand, she glances at the clock. 2:32AM.

 _Tick tock_.

Seungwan instantly crosses her mind. It’s Sunday now and Joohyun is sure she spent the night somewhere. She wonders if Seungwan’s date makes her smile that million-watt smile Joohyun admires so much; if this _date_ knows how to listen when the girl worries too much; or if this _date_ makes the singer laugh until her stomach hurt.

For a moment there, Joohyun wonders who this _date_ is. Is it serious? Is it that serious for their main vocalist to risk going out like this when she knows there are people watching her?

Irene wonders about all these Red Velvet-related worries. Joohyun wonders if Seungwan is happy.

_Click. Click._

The sound of the lock clicking interrupts Joohyun’s thoughts. Her eyes turn to the front door and sees a hint of the porch light slithering in through the small gap between the floor and door.  The porch light is motion-sensored. So there’s definitely somebody out there.

She quickly lists every occupant in the house. Sooyoung and Yerim have already arrived. Seulgi never left the house. So that means, it’s—

Seungwan opens and closes the door gently, careful not to make a sound. She’s taken her sneakers off, holding it with one hand as she grips on to her keys on the other. She’s dressed nicely, Joohyun notes; a knee-length black dress making perfect points.

Joohyun doesn’t know when she started noticing how Seungwan dresses.

“Hey,” Joohyun calls out softly.

Seungwan jumps a bit, “Unnie, you startled me.”

A smile graces Joohyun’s face, “You’re home.”

It was a statement but it’s also a question; because it’s late.

(Irene argues that it’s too dangerous to be out on the streets at this hour. Joohyun wonders why she didn’t stay the night at her date’s place.)

“Yeah,” Seungwan nods; and Joohyun can tell she’s trying to cut this conversation short.

But Joohyun has a stubbornness she cannot control. So she prods.

Later, she realizes she shouldn’t have.

“What happened to your date?” she inquires, pulling out that _Irene_ tone she knows Seungwan is familiar with. Right now, she’s being a good leader, a good unnie.

(Joohyun knows this is a lie.)

Seungwan stops on her tracks completely, body going still, but her eyes are locked on Joohyun. She opens her mouth to say but no words come out. Joohyun, on the other hand, just watches the younger girl. She’s processing, practicing the words in her head.

Sometimes, it irks her that she knows Seungwan way too much.

“Uhm, change of plans.”

“At two in the morning?”

The other girl nods, shoulders slacking in defeat. For a moment there, Joohyun sees a flash of the girl she knows. Seungwan, who is soft and sweet; who cares a lot; who wears her heart on her sleeve.

That’s only when Joohyun realizes how long it’s been since the last time she’s really seen her. Somewhere amid all the secrecy and the longing glances that never turn into anything—she lost Seungwan. She lost a friend and she’s now looking at somebody she knows only by name but could barely recognize.

There’s a pang of bitterness that creeps up Joohyun’s throat. What happened with the _date_? Was it so bad that Seungwan felt the need to go home in the wee hours of the night? The protectiveness that comes with the bitterness, she labels as an Irene thing.

The jealousy?

She doesn’t label it. Doesn’t even acknowledge it.

“Plans change like that,” Seungwan settles for this instead.

“Are you okay?”

Seungwan looks away for a split second before she looks back at Joohyun and flashes a sad smile, “I am.”

Joohyun bites her lip, thinking of how to go from here.

“You can tell me, you know.”

A bitter laugh escapes Seungwan’s lips. It stings Joohyun in ways she doesn’t understand. “I think I’ve been telling you for months now. Years, maybe,” the younger girl tells her, eyes laced with so much sadness.

“Telling me what?”

“Everything.”

No one is moving, both girls glued to their places—Joohyun in the kitchen, Seungwan by the door. But there’s a lifetime of words between the two of them, an entire galaxy of actions that need to be taken. It’s weird how Seungwan could be just a few meters away from her but feel so far away, so far out of reach.

They’re not connecting.

(Joohyun is telling her to stay, to try and understand. Irene is telling her to run.)

In that moment, she can’t decide which one she wants to be so she becomes nothing—just a shell of a woman who’s probably hurting her friend and all she does is hurt her more.

“Good night, unnie,” Seungwan mutters, head shaking in disappointment.

“Are you upset with me?” Joohyun asks.

There’s a pause, a split-second pause before the girl’s lips stretch into a thin, half-hearted smile, “I’m trying not to be.”

Seungwan walks to her room then, leaving Joohyun with a half-empty glass of water.

She thinks of ghosts again and thinks it’s so convenient, to stand there and not be seen. Especially when all you want to do is run.

.

There’s an old passage lingering at the back of her mind ever since she heard it a few years ago. It’s in English so she cannot recall exactly how the sentence goes but it’s about truths and how they always come out eventually. It doesn’t really surprise her when the dam breaks one day.

It’s three weeks later; and it’s a Thursday.

She and Seungwan don’t talk about what happened that night (morning?). But she notices that in the last two Thursdays, and the last two Saturdays, Seungwan stayed at home. Sooyoung’s no longer asking her about text messages.

But tonight, it looks like her _date_ is at it again.

Joohyun is sitting by the porch, quietly sipping tea. She’s tired from a full day of rehearsals so she allows herself to bask in the cool and calm of the night. The other girls are resting now.

With a comeback looming in the near distance, Irene knows they all need to spend time by themselves. By the time the comeback rolls around, it’s going to be five of them against the world—and going against the world takes a lot. It changes you in many ways. You come in as one version of yourself, and you come out as a whole new person.

The silence is interrupted when the door behind her opens and closes gently. Joohyun didn’t need to look to see who it is.

“Hey, I—” Seungwan starts as she approaches Irene. “I have this thing tonight. I’ve asked the Manager to drive me there.”

Is she asking permission to leave the house? Joohyun’s not sure. They’ve never done this before.

“A date?”

“Yeah.”

Joohyun nods, content to not say anything other than to acknowledge it.

Seungwan nods and then bows as a cue to leave.

It’s when Joohyun’s mouth decides she isn’t done talking yet, “You look pretty.”

This time, Seungwan is wearing a navy blue dress and a pair of high heels that makes her look way taller than she actually is. Her looks kind of hide that unmistakable sadness in her eyes. For a moment there, it’s so easy to believe that she’s happy.

Perhaps, she is. But maybe, there’s another kind of happiness that’ll make that sadness go away.

Seungwan stops on her tracks, turning to Joohyun with a smile. A blush creeps up her cheeks. “I—thank you,” she manages.

“You must really like him,” Joohyun says; and God, she wishes she would just stop.

“Maybe. I’m giving it time,” the younger girl responds.

She could just end it here. Just let the girl go to her date without any incidents. But no, she just wouldn’t stop.

“Does he make you happy?”

There’s absolutely no good outcome that can come out of this.

Seungwan rolls her eyes and lets out another bitter laugh—a kind of laugh Joohyun’s gotten used to.

It’s as if Joohyun has been stripped of the right to ask about Seungwan’s happiness. She doesn’t know why it feels that way. It’s just how it feels and it’s frustrating to have to color this blank canvas in front of them without any idea of how the image is supposed to be like.

“She’s… okay. Always there,” Seungwan says, a subtle sharp edge to her words.

 _She_.

 _Oh._ “Oh,” Joohyun manages.

Of course, they’ve all heard about the boys, and the girls. Seungwan’s preferences are not news to her. But hearing about this girl somehow still knocks the air out of Joohyun’s lungs.

“Yeah, I gotta—” she gestures with her hands about her intention to leave.

Joohyun knows she should stop, knows she’s crossing a line. But she just can’t stop. _God!_

“I hope you’re happy and careful,” that—that was Irene. “I just—you seem unhappy. All these sneaking around, the secrecy. It’s not you,” this—this is purely Joohyun.

“Are you telling me stop seeing her?”

There’s a fight coming and Joohyun braces herself for it.

“I’m saying I want you to be happy.”

Seungwan closes her eyes as she takes a deep breath, almost as if she’s trying to keep herself calm.

“Okay,” is all she says. There’s a million thoughts swimming in her head, Joohyun could tell, but Seungwan opts not to say them. “Give me a reason not to go.”

“What?”

“I said give me a reason not to go,” she repeats.

Joohyun shakes for a bit. She thinks Seungwan is asking her something she cannot give, not now. Not when there’s an upcoming comeback. Not when she’s not sure if they’ll survive it. There’s Red Velvet, sitting on top of the world. There’s also that whole way down. Hitting the ground will hurt.

“You have tons of reasons not to go,” is what Joohyun says.

“I only have one reason and right now, Joohyun, I’m not very convinced.”

There’s a slight cut to it, an anger Joohyun hasn’t seen before. She wants to hold her and make it go away. It takes her by surprise, the way Seungwan is looking at her like she’s willing to drop this dream in an instant; like she could just jump if Joohyun asked her to.

“Say something,” Seungwan demands. She’s tired and lonely, and Joohyun doesn’t know if she has what it takes to take this pain away.

So she doesn’t say anything. Irene is telling her that this is the best approach in this situation.

“Okay, got it,” Seungwan mutters before turning on her heels.

See, it’s Seungwan who walks out of the door. But Joohyun felt like she’s the one who left the other girl behind.

.

It’s two days after that incident when they get onto a VLIVE broadcast.

They’re doing one of those semi- _mukbang_ formats. Irene is seated in the middle of two chaotic pairs. Yeri and Seulgi—who are teasing each other about unusual dorm behaviors and why no one wants to room with Seulgi anymore—and Wendy and Joy, who are reading the comments their viewers are sending their way.

Irene knows she’s being unusually quiet. But she just can’t help it.

Wendy is being the usual charming and energetic Wendy, and it irks Joohyun because how could she sit there, all chummy with Joy, when Irene’s world is hanging out of balance because of that night.

All these unspoken words between them, all the stolen glances that lingered for far too long, all the hand-holding—they might mean something bigger than what they’re cutout for and how can Joohyun deal with that? She could just ignore it, pretend it didn’t happen but it’s hard. Because Wendy is right next to her and all she wants to do is reach out, lace their fingers together because… she wants to.

There’s no other reason, not really, except that she really wants to. Because it’s human nature to want and to need.

Wendy is right next to her, laughing with her but _her Seungwan_ is nowhere to be seen; and God, she misses her. They’ve been avoiding each other since this whole dating thing started. She doesn’t know if the other girls are noticing but Joohyun notices because suddenly, there’s this whole new world without Seungwan. And it’s different; and it’s not the world Joohyun wants.

Before the show ends, the fans were able to convince them to do the RBB dance for fun. They all agreed because the broadcast is ending and it’s been fun. On the surface, everyone seems like they’re in a good mood. So, why not?

They start dancing and it’s all been perfect until Wendy messes up the chorus. She laughs it off until Seulgi joins her, messing up the choreo on purpose and instead doing random dance moves. It’s funny. Joohyun thinks their fans would love them goofing around like that. After all, it was an impromptu dance party. No one’s expecting them to nail it perfectly.

Soon, Sooyoung and Yerim are showing off their goofy dance moves. Irene, Joohyun’s feelings aside, joins them and makes fun of herself as well.

When the broadcast ends, they’re all out of breath and laughing and happy.

“It’s a wrap,” the director announces, and all the staff starts moving around to pack up.

To be honest, Irene could have _not_ said something. She could have just quietly went back to the waiting room, gathered her stuff, and went on her way. But there’s an anger bubbling at the pit of her stomach, clutching at the base of her throat.

Because she misses Seungwan and she couldn’t do anything about it.

“You should’ve rehearsed harder yesterday,” it’s out before she could stop herself.

All the other girls freeze on their spots, turning to Joohyun with an incredulous look. It is so unlike Irene to act like this.

“What?” Wendy asks, an eyebrow raised.

“I said, if you rehearsed harder yesterday, you wouldn’t have messed up the choreography today.”

Irene is looking everywhere else but Wendy, trying her best to avoid the girl’s questioning gaze. She hears Wendy suck in a deep breath and then exhale, again as if trying to keep her resolve intact.

“I’m sorry,” is what their main singer says. Irene feels the guilt right away, knowing well there’s nothing to be sorry bout.

But it’s Joy who doesn’t take any of her bullshit.

“Oh come on, unnie. It’s a VLIVE broadcast, not a concert,” Joy argues, rolling her eyes to make a point.

“I’m just saying—”

“Yeah, I heard you,” Wendy says, in English. That’s when Joohyun’s eyes snap at Wendy. She only ever blurts words out in English when she’s not thinking when she’s speaking. A knee-jerk reaction. A second nature. “Loud and clear.”

There’s an air of finality in her voice, in the way she walks out, in the way she looks at Joohyun one last time before she disappears to the waiting room. Sooyoung quickly follows her.

“Are you okay, unnie?” Seulgi asks, looking at her with sad eyes.

Yerim walks to her, eyes full of scrutiny, “Are you two fighting?”

Joohyun lets out a heavy breath.

“I’m fine,” she tells Seulgi. Then she turns to Yerim, “We’ll be fine.”

She doesn’t directly answer Yerim’s question because… is this what is? A fight? Or is it more of a struggle? Joohyun doesn’t know.

“Fix this,” Seulgi tells her.

“This is exactly how it is when my parents fight,” Yerim mutters under her breath.

.

Joohyun wakes up early the next day, hoping to get ahold of Seungwan when she returns from her morning run. She runs every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday mornings, starting around 5AM to make it back to the dorm by 7.

She admires how dedicated Seungwan is to staying in shape. Work ethic isn’t really an issue with Wendy. That’s why Joohyun feels even worse about the way she had snapped at the girl yesterday.

She finds herself by the kitchen again. This kitchen is becoming her safe refuge these days. Joohyun starts the coffee-maker, prepping the dark drink for all her members. She moves blindly around the small space, moving in memorized patterns after years and years of doing it.

It’s a few minutes before she feels someone joining her in the kitchen.

Seungwan heads straight to the refrigerator to grab a bottle of that energy drink she stores for days like this. She’s panting, breathing heavily from an obviously intense run. She doesn’t acknowledge Joohyun at all as she moves around the space.

“Hey,” Joohyun is the first one who breaks the silence.

Seungwan acknowledges her with a nod.

“Do you want some coffee?”

“Maybe later,” the younger girl says, voice distant and cold, before she makes a move to get out of the kitchen.

This is not them.

They’ve gone through so much. They’ve weathered too many storms as Irene and Wendy—pillars of their group; but more importantly as Joohyun and Seungwan, too many times when the cameras are off; when the group is about to fall apart.

She needs her Seungwan back. She doesn’t know how she lost her. She doesn’t know if it’s entirely possible to bring her back without having to say the words lingering in the air—confessions, promises, of things that cannot exist right now—but she needs Seungwan because she doesn’t know how to be without her.

This cold, distant woman in front of her is not the girl she’s so fond of. Whether that means something very dangerous or just plainly friendly, Joohyun decides this is not how she loses her completely. Not without a fight.

“Seungwan,” she utters, low and careful.

The girl turns to her, giving her a look that holds no expectations, as if Seungwan has given up on her.

“I’m sorry,” Joohyun starts with an apology.

“You were right. I messed up the choreography. You were doing your job,” she states, devoid of emotions.

Joohyun swallows an invisible lump in her throat, “Not about that.”

“Then what are you apologizing for?”

“I’m sorry because I’m so scared.”

“Of what? Of me?”

“Of us,” Joohyun says, and instantly sees the recognition in Seungwan’s eyes. This is the farthest they’ve gone when it comes to confessions and acknowledgements. “Of this,” she adds, gesturing on the space between.

“Tell me again why this is such a bad idea,” there it is—the softness, the gentleness that hasn’t been touched by the need to be _Wendy of Red Velvet_ all the time.

“Seungwan—”

The other girl takes careful steps toward her, not taking her eyes off her. Joohyun suddenly feels exposed. Her heart is beating miles per minute, breath hitching at the way Seungwan is looking at her with eyes that plead, that ask, that demand. She is looking at her like it’s so simple, like a simple _yes_ would erase everything that’s complicated about _this_.

“Tell me because I don’t understand,” Seungwan says; then she’s finally standing across the kitchen island in front of her. Joohyun is thankful for the distance she keeps between them.

“You’re seriously not asking me to tell you why we can’t do this.”

“I’m serious, Joohyun.”

She notes the lack of honorifics. She sees the line they’re finally crossing.

(Irene is screaming at her, urging her to run. Joohyun wants her to stay.)

Nobody speaks for a while, both girls getting lost in each other’s eyes.

Joohyun thinks about how easy it would be if they’re not Irene and Wendy; if they’re just Joohyun and Seungwan. She thinks how easy it would be to just round the kitchen island and close the gap between them.

Seungwan clears her throat, “Tell me because I’ve been spending the last few weeks trying to find _you_ in _her_ and I can’t. I don’t want to live my entire life trying to fill this giant hole in my heart with your name in it. So just end this. Just tell me to go, and I will.”

It’s not a confession but it’s something. It’s the most they’ve spoken about whatever’s between them that’s been happening for _God_ knows how long.

“I miss you,” Joohyun says instead. It’s the safest truth she can utter out loud.

Seungwan doesn’t say anything but she softens. She lets out a sigh, “I’m always here.”

The older girl nods, “Yeah, but you’re also not. I feel like I’m losing you.” _To her_ goes unsaid.

Defeated, Seungwan takes a seat on one of stools and for a moment, she doesn’t say anything. Joohyun hates it because she knows the other girl is processing again, saying the words in her head to avoid saying the wrong thing.

That kind of habit is good for Wendy because Wendy needs a filter. But Seungwan needs to learn how to say things honestly instead of keeping it in. Seungwan needs to give people a chance to hear her thoughts. She doesn’t need a filter, especially not with Joohyun.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Me neither.”

It’s the most honest they’ve been to each other.

“No, I mean it. I don’t know what to do with these…” she doesn’t say the word _feelings_ but they both get it. “I have a lot and it takes up space in this house and someday I wouldn’t be able to keep it in.”

Is that the reason why she keeps leaving?

“I’m sorry.”

“For what again this time?” Seungwan asks, too tired of hearing apologies.

“Because I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

Once again, Joohyun doesn’t have the words.

“Seungwan—”

“I get it,” the girl in question releases a heavy breath. “I got it.”

.

Seungwan keeps seeing _her_. She goes out on Thursday nights and stays the night someplace else on Saturdays.

One Thursday night, as Sooyoung and Joohyun return from the supermarket to the dorm, they see Seungwan get into a nice, black car that speeds up soon as the girl got in.

There’s a pang of pain in her chest again but Joohyun feels like she lost the right to whine about it. She never gave Seungwan an answer, never gave her a reason not to go.

She wasn’t planning on dwelling on this tonight, trying to stay in her lane. She doesn’t have a right or claim over the woman; that much she knows the night she decided not to give Seungwan anything to hold on to.

But then, Sooyoung decides to ruin all that up.

“She’s an idol, too,” Sooyoung tells her.

The taller girl’s one hand is tucked in the pocket of her coat while her other hand grips on the bag of groceries. Her voice is low, like she’s telling Joohyun something she’s not supposed to say.

“What?”

“The girl Seungwan-ah is seeing, she’s an idol, too.”

 _Oh_. “Oh—”

“Yeah.”

“That’s—”

“—complicated,” the younger girl fills the blanks. So, Joohyun is right. Sooyoung knows details about Seungwan’s lovelife.

They don’t say anything for a while. They quietly make their way to the dorm, matching each other’s tentative steps. She has tons of questions, lots of things she wants to know but she isn’t sure if she’s prepared for the answers.

The walk is relatively short, just a mere two blocks inside this quiet and secured neighborhood. The sun has just set and the wind stays chilly.

“You don’t have any idea, do you?”

“About what?”

“About the way you two look at each other,” the taller girl says quietly. “It’s so disgusting.”

Sooyoung accentuates it with a laugh, and it makes Joohyun smile. She ignores the statement altogether but something about it warms her heart.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Joohyun says instead, deflecting.

“Obviously,” there’s a tentative pause. She takes a deep breath, “Unnie…”

Joohyun waits because something about it feels big, life changing.

“You’re gonna lose her,” Sooyoung states, so casually cruel without ever meaning to. Still it stops Joohyun on her tracks, eyes trained on the younger girl.

Sooyoung stops walking, too, turning to Joohyun to make a point, “If you keep letting her go, you’re going to lose her.”

The girl then keeps walking, leaving Joohyun stunned and for some reason heartbroken.

_If you keep letting her go, you’re going to lose her._

It needed to be said out loud for her whole body to finally process it. But what was she supposed to do? How was she supposed to turn this tragedy into something with a happy ending?

Joohyun concludes that maybe it’s sadder, to be stuck in the middle without any answers; but that’s exactly what Joohyun is.

_Stuck._

/

**Author's Note:**

> thoughts?
> 
> (i'm on twitter, so if you wanna cry about wenrene together, i'm @/snsdoncrack)


End file.
